i am living in an ordinary world with ordinary people
this ordinary people bring extraordinary things to me
i can say that sometimes, i am invisible through the eyes of them
sometimes, i am the center of their conversations
little do they know, i can hear what they say about me
not literally, but deep inside of me
i know…
…if they like me or not
…if they need me or they just want to use me
…if they care or they just want to show off
…if they love me, or just want to hurt me
…if they’ll stay or suddenly leave
i am what i am
what you see is what you get
what i have is what i give
what you give is what i take
that’s LIVING.
i have lived for twenty-one years now
i experienced a lot of pains, struggles and sufferings
i have felt sadness and happiness,
of solitude and tranquility…
i have gained what i should gain
and let go of something i should never have
there’s a definite pain in holding on
and worst in letting go…
i have done that so many times
and i am used to it..
in terms of loving, i am a fool
but i am not a LOSER.
i am born to love and not to hate
i guess being left behind
is the price i pay for loving with all my heart…
that’s LOVING…
and who would ever say i am a loser?
nobody has the right to call me one
because all these years
i never give up on love
i get tired, i swear!
but i never give up…
i always have the courage to stand up
after a fall
to face the laughing world
i am not ashamed of what life has brought me
i am thankful for that
because i know something’s waiting for me
i am still walking and taking my journey
experience is my teacher
that’s LEARNING…
someday we’ll meet, i know
i don’t know you but i assure you
you’ll be part of my life…
till then…
SEE YOU AT THE CROSSROADS.. 
- jamittLe -
posted: 071910
It’s a Monday – the most painful day of the week for me. Every Monday, I need to wake up as early as 3:30 in the morning and prepare to leave for Metro Manila – to face another 5 days of working away from home, away from my loved one. My boyfriend dropped by to fetch me at home and wait for me until I ride the bus. Talking about how painful it was to leave every Monday morning that every hug and goodbye kiss isn’t enough; I really don’t want to leave.
But as needed, I left again. I took an ordinary bus to Lipa Bus Terminal. On my way to Lipa, I felt the need for a comfort room but ignored it at once. I dropped by a food store and took out for a breakfast meal then rode a bus to Cubao. Again, I felt the need for a comfort room, this time I already felt so uncomfortable; I’m already having goose bumps all over my body. That was the feeling I hate the most… a call of nature which can’t be satisfied at once! Arggghhh! I was nervously thinking of what to do. I was thinking that I can make it to Megamall but after a while, I was already struggling. The bus took a stop at the toll plaza in Sto. Tomas. I gathered my strength to ask the bus conductor & the driver to drop me by the toll plaza’s comfort room. What a relief! Thanks to the bus driver and conductor for waiting until I was finished. My seat was then occupied by a lady who happened to be standing a while ago, so I have no choice but to stand. I don’t care to stand, I’ve been relieved from my uncomfortable suffering.
On the exit of the toll way, several passengers took off so I got a seat nearest to the door. After a few minutes, we’re on driving along Calamba. Two guards fromYasaki-Torres (Calamba) were waiving at the driver. The bus took a stop and the guards asked the driver to let an old man ride to Cubao, told that he has money to pay for the ride. I looked at the old man, he may be over the age of 80. He was wearing an old shirt-uniform of Yasaki and a light underwear-short. He’s walking a little slow. I noticed the wound in his left ear and right knee. I felt bad for the old man. The seat next to mine was free so they let the old man seat beside me. I couldn’t help but cry when I saw him. I cried myself silently so others would not notice me. I was emotional for that old man.
I thought maybe he hasn’t eaten breakfast yet so I asked him, “Lolo, kumain ka na?” as I was thinking of giving him the breakfast meal I ordered earlier.
He replied, “Opo, I was well attended by this company (pointing at the logo of his shirt)”.
I then asked again, “Ano po ba nangyari sa inyo?”
He slowly said, “Na-hold-up ako”.
I nearly cried again but I don’t want him to see me crying, I could see in him that he’s been emotionally strong after all that has happened to him.
“Dinampot po ba kayo?” I asked.
“Tatlong araw na.”
My God! Three days! Damn those hold-uppers! That’s all I could do; to curse those evil criminals. I really wish they were dead!
“Lo, taga-saan po kayo?”
“Monumento.”
“Alam nyo na po ang byahe papunta sa inyo?”
“Sasakay pa pagdating sa Cubao?”
“Alam nyo na po?”
He nodded and that ended our conversation. I was still in pain that very moment. I turned my back to him and cried myself. I wished to ask him his name but words just won’t come out. I want to help him go home, but want can I do? I don’t know how to get there. So I just stared at him, admiring his strength and thankful for he’s now safe and going home.
I was grateful for those who helped that old man. Thanks to those people from Yasaki-Torres (Calamba). They have hearts to help a battered old man. May God bless those kind-hearted people who gave him money to be able to go home. And for those criminals, karma has its own judgment! You are one hell of bastards! That was an old man for Christ’s sake! He’s totally helpless and couldn’t defend himself against them.
I felt bad for him and for his family. Wish I’ve done something to ease his pain. Oh it was a truly painful Monday!
*Picture of Lolo who was held-up.
- jamittle -
071910
posted: 030310
In love, the hardest to compete with is… the one BEFORE you!
“I wish he’ll choose me over her… which I doubt will happen”.
These are the words I once said. I really didn’t think that it will happen too soon. I’ve been fighting a faceless battle. I’ve been competing with a person I’ve never met. We were both doing our best to win, and get the price.
Funny how we both did all we can just to grab a hold of only one person we’re both in love with. We compete for his time, his love, his care, his hugs, his kisses and for his heart. I didn’t want to have just a part of him, but him as a whole.
I said, I can’t and I won’t let her win. That even though I know that it’s a win-lose situation, I still held on. She has the all the advantages against me. I was the challenger; I only have my heart to fight until the end.
I was emotionally inclined to having him as mine… only mine. For almost four months, I’ve been thinking… what if it did happen? What if I won? Would I be happy knowing there’s someone out there, crying and been broken by my selfish intentions? Or would it be the other way around that I would be left broken, crying for I have lost the fight?
The fight is over. Somebody won. Somebody got the price. Someone was in grief, suffering from pure melancholy while someone was happy, feeling a pure bliss.
Honestly, I wasn’t expecting that I’ll win. I was expecting otherwise, `cause of the fact that I have nothing but him to fight for. What was 3 months compare to an almost one year of being together? They’ve been through a lot of happy memories. His family knew her and like her… Me? They know nothing about me and I don’t think they’d be interested to know me when they found out that I’ve been the reason why they separate ways.
It’s all I ever wanted. To own the only person who made me happy as ever. He chose me over her because he loves me. That’s a fact. But why am I not so sure about this game anymore? Am I being too afraid to find out that he’s right when he said, “I don’t know if you can make me as happy as she made me or if you can make me happier than that”? Those words stroked right through my heart. He then said, “Hopefully, it’s worth my sacrifice of letting go of her for you… all I know is that I love you that’s why I chose you”.
I can still sense the pain of him leaving that girl behind. I can still feel the love he has for her. I can still see right through his eyes the pain of not having her around. He got used to be with her for almost a year and I just took him away from her. It’s his choice, I know, but he made that decision because he needed to even if he didn’t want to.
It hurts knowing he can’t move on yet. He cut the connections between them, no more communications. But I feel I making him remember her sometimes, in a way I didn’t intend to.
It is really too selfish to ask him to try to forget all about her. All I want to ask is that, may he let me prove to him how much I want to be part of his life. After all, if he thinks I could never give him the happiness he wanted, why on earth did I hold on for so long? I should’ve just given up and let her win. I can also make him happy in my own way, and not according to the shadows of his past.
I still feel insecure, scared that he might realize that he made a mistake by choosing me. I am the winner but still, in terms of all the things they’ve shared together, I feel defeated. I feel weak every time we talk about her, afraid that he might tell me that I’m nothing compare to her. Or am I just so stupid to think about it. Or maybe, I am really just the insecure one!
Now, all I can say is that, I am not giving up. Not now… never. He can give me up and that’s the time I will then. But as long as we’re together, I’ll still be fighting. A new battle has started and it is between us and our fate.
- jamittle -
030310
posted: 121509
From my previous entry, in order to change my future, I decided to take a different path, the road less traveled. However, during that time, my heart is still stronger than my will… that I can’t even let go of my present, until I found a reason to move on to another path.
I can hardly explain this sudden change of heart. All I can say is I met someone who caused me to finally learn to let go of the present and face the unknown future. And this was totally unexpected. He is the person who changed my life.
In him, I found someone who can get me out of where my heart was stuck. He has the potential to steal me from my miserable present. I didn’t have the plans of stealing him from his girl, nor try destroying their relationship. It’s just that, we’re close and I was afraid, either or both of us will fall… and we both did.
I didn’t mean to wreck someone else’s relationship. I am a just and fair person; I don’t want others to suffer due to my childish acts. For a moment, I am rationally arguing with myself, saying, “Girl, you are on the wrong track! Better turn right!” But a feeling of happiness invaded my rationality and without thinking twice, I took the plunge.
Forgive me as I tell this story. I knew all along, I am being devilish, who wants to share for someone’s piece of sweet cake. But when love strikes the heart, there’s nothing you can do but to give in. That’s what I did. Though I knew that I can never be the only one in his life, I took the risk and I took a chance. I can never call myself his girl `cause from what people knew, he has a girlfriend. Instead, he called me his “wife”. how flattering it is to be called wife when in fact in fact, I’m the mistress!
I knew I can cope up with this complicated set up. This decision I’ve made, I have no regrets. I love him enough. Enough, that it caused me to enter in this kind of situation. I ain’t had no one who made me feel loved the way he did. I can feel that he’s true in every word he said, in every move he made, and in every effort he exerted.
So what is our set up? I am his wife, she is his girl. I am the secret one, she is the legal one. I am the one he loves, but not the one he’s officially committed to and she is otherwise. She got to spend the weekdays with him, without her knowing that for the rest of the week, he’s mine. I knew about her, she didn’t have even the slightest idea about me.
He can’t give up any of us. He’s afraid that when his girl discovered the truth and leave him, I will leave him, too. And it is too much to bear for him. I told him, I’ll put myself where I am expected to be. I won’t even try to destroy their relationship. We’ll just enjoy each others company. And when the time comes for him to decide who to choose, I told him there’s no pressure. He can give me up and I will let him go. Besides, I don’t have the right to fight against the legal one. I will just lose the battle.
Who am I to fight against the girl his entire family knew? I will just be the “villain” and I don’t want to be called such.
Where would this love affair lead us? That, I don’t know. He told me, he’s more afraid to lose me than to lose her. But I knew deep inside, he’s more afraid to lose both of us and be left with no one.
Still, I am hoping he’ll choose me over her, which I doubt will happen.
Is this the future I wanted? Is this the price I pay for not sticking to my miserable present and finding my new future?
Well, I am always on the side of no regrets. Whatever happens, this is my decision which I am responsible to withstand the consequences.
09Nov`09
- jamittle -
* sorry for the late posting. I am not proud of stealing somebody’s possession and I am not proud of telling the world how BITCH I am. Thanks for those who can understand and sorry for those who condemn.
posted: 093009
I was caught staring at my past, present and future all at once. The dare is for them to grab a hold of me. What’s sad is that they’ve chosen to hold something else instead of me. So what’s the point of me, choosing between them as well?
How can I entrust my heart to anyone of them, when I already know that they’ll only let it go? How can I be cared for when all I can see are those hands trying to grab nameless flowers?
From the very start, I didn’t expect my past to run forward and catch up. My past has passed. He’s now living as another’s present.
The only one I expected to grab the moment is my present. But like my past, I’ve never seen any intentions of saving me from the fall. After all the words he has spoken, it all flashed right through my mind. I thought there’ll be reciprocal actions. I was then, wrong! That very moment, I was looking beyond what I’ve seen and concluded that actions are way louder than those sweet spoken words.
How about my future? He represents the things I would actually expect in life. But then, he’s given me the idea that my future would never be different at all. And that, it’s just the same path I’m taking.
My past, my present and my future… They don’t differ!
Realizations came after that very incident. I found myself at the crossroads. I began to think if I should continue living with the present or let it be another past?
Here, in this crossroads, I will decide whether to take the same path where I can only guess that all that happened repeats itself. Or I will take a road less travelled? The road in which I don’t exactly know what is at stake. If I take a new path, I would never know if it will lead me again to the future I’m pertaining to. Otherwise, there’ll be someone new.
Just the way the author – Robert Frost took a less travelled road and that has made all the difference. I’ll take the risk of walking through a new path. This journey will surprise me of the things not long known to me but somehow, I can say, would bring a difference in my life.
I’ll expect nothing but to meet a new future. A future not planned but is destined for me. It is my fate that will bring me to someone real and right.
But when can I have the strength to let go of my present and find my new future? `Cause by now, my heart is still stronger than my will.
-jamittle-
09/30/09
posted: 081109
i’ve never been an athlete, running in the field.
i’ve never been a volleyball player, jumping to block the ball.
i’ve never been a basketball player, shooting for goals.
i’ve always been a cheer leader, using my voice to encourage the player.
But then..
I DREAMED TO BE THE PLAYER.
I want to run fast and be first on the finish line… champion in your heart.
I want to jump high and block the spikes of pain and heartaches.
i want to grab and steal your heart from my rivals.
i just don’t want to be the one you’ll hear shouting your name, but you won’t even notice as there as so many of us cheering our hearts out.
i’m always hoping you’ll glance by my way after your 3-point shot.
I WANT TO BE THE PLAYER.
i want to feel important when the crowd is cheering.
i want to experience being fouled onto, so i can have the ball and have a chance to take a shot…
a chance to shoot for my goal — your heart!
UNFORTUNATELY,
i’m not a fast runner, i can’t run and chase after you.
i don’t have the strength to spike and deliver an ace service.
i have no guts to rebound you from a failed attempt of my opponent.
I WON’T BE ABLE TO WIN THE GAME.
So i guess, i will forever be BEHIND YOUR CROWD.
i’ll just be watching on the bleachers.
i will SHOUT for your name NO MORE.
i will no longer be wishing you’d take a look at me during time-outs.
when your game ends, so is my role being your cheerer.
this i tell you now..
QUIT PLAYING GAMES WITH MY HEART!
- jamittle -
081109
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